Script
The opening shot reveals the revolving game menu from Tomb Raider 1-3, once 'Lara’s Mansion' is selected. It then shows her manor, displaying a sign outside; 'SOLD'.
Cuts to Lara’s new home. First shot is placed over a dart board with a photo of the American-made Lara placed on it and darts previously shot through it.
Lara: (An echoed voice in her head)Yes, I had to sell the manor, I couldn’t afford it any more. I thought of doing something stupid like robbing a bank to make ends meet but that would be absolutely immoral and I don’t even have any of my ammunition any more.
*cuts to photo of cash converters*
”Are you buying or selling?” voice-over from the salesman in the game*-
Lara: Once this new impostor, this wannabe showed up - everyone decided to all of a sudden forget about me.
Kurtis: She’s kinda hot though.
Lara: Honestly. The very essence of my might has been stripped from me. Since when was I such a mummy's girl, anyway? She's nothing like me! It's all just image, image, image. The girl has no spunk.
Kurtis: You cried when we were watching Titanic last night.
Lara: (Looks at him angrily) Have you fed Tigger?
Kurtis: Uhh...nope.
Lara: And what a surprise, as usual – you do nothing!
Lara goes to the bathroom, takes out a massive piece of meat from her backpack and holds it above the bath
Lara: Here you go Tigger.
Shark eats the meat
Lara: I'm so sorry for this harpoon in your back Tigger, I will manage to remove it one day.
She returns back into the main room
Lara: I just don't understand how such a massive once-loyal fan base could forget about their beloved 'idol' so easily.
*Natla (the villain from the original game) shows up out of the backpack, using the sound bite from the game: 'You can't bump off me and my brutes so easy, Lara'*
Lara: Oh shush! *Lara puts Natla back* I've already dealt with you.
*Door bell rings*
Lara: Oh those must be my paintings from Ebay. *Lara opens the door*
Raptor that delivers the paintings, a package from Ebay,
Lara: Oh my package from Ebay is here!
Lara opens door; ”Oh thank you Toby” raptor roars and waves goodbye when Lara opens the boxes to reveal the painting, 'Secret' sound plays.
Lara: Oh, he always says goodbye *shot from the game* Even though I'm living in a shithole right now I’m still into fine pieces of art, you know – keeping it classy.
TITANIC REFERENCE DIALOG
Kurtis: God, not those finger paintings again. They certainly were a waste of money.
Lara: The difference between your taste in art and mine is that I have some. They're fascinating. It's like being inside a dream or something. There's truth but no logic.
Kurtis: What's the artist's name?
Lara: Angelina Jolie or something?
Kurtis: [scoffs food] Angelina Jolie or something? She won't amount to a thing.
[pause]
Kurtis: She won't, trust me. At least they were cheap.
Lara: Well I'll store them in here for now.
*Lara puts paintings into the backpack*
Lara: See? My backpack is unlimited, can that new-age wannabe do that? No way!
*Lara's mobile phone rings*
Janice: Hello Lara mon chere!
Lara: Oh Janice, how are you getting on?
Janice: Oh quite well. I'm making a lot of business. Listen Lara, I have called because I heard about your situation. I know you said you and I aren't in the same class, but have you considered getting Kurtis to come and work with me on the streets? I think he would make a pretty penny.
Lara says: Janice... [pauses] a famous explorer once said, *REFERENCE; CUE TOMB RAIDER TRAILER MUSIC* that 'the extraordinary is in what we do, not who we are'. I'd finally set out to make my mark, to find adventure. But instead adventure found me. In our darkest moments, when life flashes before us, we find something. Something that keeps us going. Something that pushes us. When all seemed lost, I found a truth – UK unemployment job seekers benefits! And I knew what I must become. She hangs up the phone dramatically staring out into space whilst Janice is still talking.
Walks back to kitchen proudly and stands on the sink as she does in Tomb Raider II.
Kurtis: Lara, get off the worktops, this isn't Tomb Raider II.
Lara: Oh, right. Yes. Old habbit. *Gets off* Now what was I doing. Oh – I need some meat. *opens the fridge, person’s hand passes meat from the inside of the fridge* Lara: Thank you, Winston. Lara speaks as she stabs the meat with the Dagger of Xian artefact - See what happens? Not only did I end up in this wreck of a council flat but even my poor old faithful butler has developed agoraphobia and insists on sitting inside the fridge all day. I blame the gamers, constantly making me lock him in the fridge.
*Screen-shots\very fast videos from the game where Lara looks him in the fridge*
Lara: now he's hysteric!
[Pauses]
Lara: Now what was I doing now?
Kurtis: You were making our dinner.
Lara: And what exactly are you doing? How very dare you. I asked you to get rid of that Christmas tree three years ago. You can't even do that. You're a waste Kurtis, and on top of that making demands at me. You're falling apart, you're a wreck! What happened Kurtis, what happened to that dashing daredevil I met in Angel of Darkness, we both have to put our heads together, I can't protect us both! I need some help! Look at the state of you now!
Kurtis: [Pauses] Things are going fine for me. I've been through worse.
Lara: Fine? FINE? Bullshit. Get up off your arse and go find a job!
Kurtis: I will as soon as I get some food in me... (Sarcastically)
Lara: WHAT! *throws the dagger of Xian at Kurtis*
Kurtis whimpers in pain
Lara: OH KURTIS! Runs out of the shot
Fades out…
BACKGROUND NOTES:
During the movie Jeremy Kyle is shown on the TV and Laptop’s screen will change from Facebook to bluescreen.
- Credits, names scrolling with unlimited backpack items being brought out with each name